Category Archives: Tuesday News

Tuesday News

#13 Proven to be Unlucky

by ryanfuller

10/30/12

It has been scientifically proven that the number thirteen is bad luck. Dr. Bruce explains, “It’s all based around the high and low entropy surrounding a situation that makes the number play a significant role in the outcome and how it is portrayed by the individuals involved and soon to be.”

For the number thirteen, the levels of entropy and the state of surrounding equilibriums work against each other and end up destroying any positive atmosphere. Among the large list of reasons why it’s lucky is it’s an odd number, it’s the first of the teen numbers, there are always thirteen black cats in a thirteen block radius, no middle school has over twelve stories, etc etc…

This discovery will start a major movement in how this world (may, can, will) work. Not only does this mean that the number thirteen is unlucky, but it opens up the gate to discovering the reality of luck and whether you can control it. “While we found out how the number thirteen is unlucky, our next step is to look at more variables and the events surrounding them to see what the reactions are,” Dr. Bruce continues, “we may come to a point where we will be able to control luck itself and completely avoid bad luck.” But is this ideal? Living with the ability of controllable luck is individually a paradise of an idea, but questions arise as to whether the world is ready for such a thing. It’s a loaded gun of magic and mystery and there needs to be a check as to whether it will be available to the public.

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Tuesday News

Man’s Limbs Has Minds of Their Own

by ryanfuller

7/24/12

On July 19th, Phillip Alexander woke up to a body that did not quite belong to him anymore. It started with the left arm when his day began to the sound of the morning alarm. When he turned to cut it off, Phillip found himself unable to reach out. Instead it sat by his side and his hand balled up in a fist. “I tried my hardest to just stick a finger out and it was impossible,” explains Mr. Alexander, “I got out of bed and for about ten minutes it was stiff at my side and it spastically started reaching into the air for any nearby object. I had to move my entire body out of reach of anything.”

Slowly throughout the day Phillip began to lose complete control of his own limbs. His right arm was the second to go and he finally decided to see a doctor. Not having the ability to drive he was forced to walk and it was at this time where his arms began to act up.

“It was pretty embarrassing,” recalls Phillip. “In a windmill motion, my arms moved constantly. Every now and then, stopping to make some extreme gesture.”

Passerby’s report in telling us of what they saw: “While walking my dog, this guy was walking toward me and from a good distance away he held up his middle finger. As he passed right by me he held it right in my face. He wouldn’t even make eye contact. As he walked further away his arm was still extended in my direction, finger full fledged.” Another tells about how he would punch every sign he passed by, “I was wondering what made him mad. He wailed on at least five stop signs. Strange thing was he didn’t seem to like that he was doing it. Not many people who punch signs out of anger yell out, “Ow.”

And a female claims, “Oh I feel bad not knowing his conditions, I was just on my daily walk and he just reached out and tried to grab my chest. I gave him a good pop in the eye. And then he some how managed to grab my ass.”

Phillip confirms these stories along with a shiny black eye. By the time Mr. Alexander made it to the doctor’s office he was dragging himself with his right leg, for his left was no longer his. “They took me in the back and when the testing began finally my right leg too was of its own mind.”

Dr. Jordan, who’s seeing over Phillip, explains, “…his condition is extremely rare, this is not the first time any hospital has encountered this but at the same time it’s easy to lose focus on what needs to be done.” Recalling Phillip’s initial movements when the disease fully kicked in, “His left leg was trying to go right and his right leg was trying to go left. Rarely were they moving in normal sync while his arms gestured like a pissed off demon.” But Dr. Jordan also emphasizes that this is not any form of a demonic body take over but a serious physiological nerve processing and psychological reactive dysfunction. “It’s very important that we contain Mr. Alexander until we have complete control of his body. Unfortunately, the wait for recovery is unknown.”

“My life is, for the time being, now on hold. I have yet to let it sink in,” wondering if it’s possible his head/mind is next, “and until then, and through then, I’ll just have to deal with it,” Phillip explains with a teary voice as he sits tied up to a reclined chair waiting for a hopeful moment.

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Tuesday News

Bigfoot Spotted With Little Feet!

by ryanfuller

7/17/12

Recent reportings of a bigfoot seen in the Hamilton County area of Tennessee are creating a stir among the locals. Descriptions of the beast have all been very similar indicating it might be the same creature considering the distinct feature of a large hump on its back causing it to hunch over. Even with its seemingly handicapped nature it still towers in size. The height of its legs are supposedly reaching over five feet tall and the angle of the monster’s slouch allows it to stand at just around eight feet. If without the slouch, the reporters think it could easily stand erect at well over ten feet tall.

The bigfoot is also described to have long hanging, matted black hair. In fact, the length of the hair and complete placement over the entire body of flesh seems to have irritated the face and vision as it appears it has torn the hair from its head just in the areas above his eyes and above his mouth; almost in the fashion of an ape, but before the stages of evolution allowed its kind to adapt by naturally losing the full, [long] facial hair. Almost a sort of canine-primate hybrid, or “homo-canine” in what Dr. Standifer from Standifer University newly terms, or even possibly “homo-feline.” With a sort of sticky black mane surrounding the head completely, its face is smeared with dark brown patches of what seem to be dried blood from the constantly pulled hair. The hair everywhere else on its body is untouched and hangs freely or mangled in dirty knots.

With the exception of the case of a mysterious animal that ripped Sandee Brines’ arms clean off at the shoulder and left for dead with a large hole in her stomach and her insides slung everywhere, there interestingly hasn’t been any reported signs of aggressive behavior from the bigfoot. Most of the encounters have been described as casual and exciting but the beast would run away if it realizes it’s been spotted. “His arms were huge,” Little Patty Purle exclaims after her run-in with the bigfoot during a hike at the Cumberland Trail on Signal Mountain, “and his hands. When he walked they dangled from his body and hovered just above the ground.” But what surprised these witnesses the most about this bigfoot is that it has little feet.

“It was the damndest thing,” Mr. Collins of East Ridge, the first reporting witness, explains, “it was no more than thirty yards into the woods behind my backyard. There’s a giant rock my kids always play on but when I went back there I found old sasquatch reclined against it. Lying on the ground with his legs stretched out and feet propped up. And get this, his feet were no larger than my hands.” Mr. Collins holds his hand up in examination. Considering the proportion of this animal, the size of its feet don’t quite fit the body structure it’s meant to hold up. Yet from the hump on its back to the tiny of its toes, dozens of reports describe the exact same features. As more witnesses tell their tale, scientists are looking to capture the creature in order to further understand what it is.

Since the first day sightings began rolling in eighteen different bigfoot hunter groups, several of which belonging to popular television programs, have made their way into the Chattanooga area looking for what many have already found. Of the most recent in these reports bigfoot was last seen in the kid’s section of a Foot Locker at Northgate Mall.

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