Tuesday News

Bigfoot Spotted With Little Feet!

by ryanfuller

7/17/12

Recent reportings of a bigfoot seen in the Hamilton County area of Tennessee are creating a stir among the locals. Descriptions of the beast have all been very similar indicating it might be the same creature considering the distinct feature of a large hump on its back causing it to hunch over. Even with its seemingly handicapped nature it still towers in size. The height of its legs are supposedly reaching over five feet tall and the angle of the monster’s slouch allows it to stand at just around eight feet. If without the slouch, the reporters think it could easily stand erect at well over ten feet tall.

The bigfoot is also described to have long hanging, matted black hair. In fact, the length of the hair and complete placement over the entire body of flesh seems to have irritated the face and vision as it appears it has torn the hair from its head just in the areas above his eyes and above his mouth; almost in the fashion of an ape, but before the stages of evolution allowed its kind to adapt by naturally losing the full, [long] facial hair. Almost a sort of canine-primate hybrid, or “homo-canine” in what Dr. Standifer from Standifer University newly terms, or even possibly “homo-feline.” With a sort of sticky black mane surrounding the head completely, its face is smeared with dark brown patches of what seem to be dried blood from the constantly pulled hair. The hair everywhere else on its body is untouched and hangs freely or mangled in dirty knots.

With the exception of the case of a mysterious animal that ripped Sandee Brines’ arms clean off at the shoulder and left for dead with a large hole in her stomach and her insides slung everywhere, there interestingly hasn’t been any reported signs of aggressive behavior from the bigfoot. Most of the encounters have been described as casual and exciting but the beast would run away if it realizes it’s been spotted. “His arms were huge,” Little Patty Purle exclaims after her run-in with the bigfoot during a hike at the Cumberland Trail on Signal Mountain, “and his hands. When he walked they dangled from his body and hovered just above the ground.” But what surprised these witnesses the most about this bigfoot is that it has little feet.

“It was the damndest thing,” Mr. Collins of East Ridge, the first reporting witness, explains, “it was no more than thirty yards into the woods behind my backyard. There’s a giant rock my kids always play on but when I went back there I found old sasquatch reclined against it. Lying on the ground with his legs stretched out and feet propped up. And get this, his feet were no larger than my hands.” Mr. Collins holds his hand up in examination. Considering the proportion of this animal, the size of its feet don’t quite fit the body structure it’s meant to hold up. Yet from the hump on its back to the tiny of its toes, dozens of reports describe the exact same features. As more witnesses tell their tale, scientists are looking to capture the creature in order to further understand what it is.

Since the first day sightings began rolling in eighteen different bigfoot hunter groups, several of which belonging to popular television programs, have made their way into the Chattanooga area looking for what many have already found. Of the most recent in these reports bigfoot was last seen in the kid’s section of a Foot Locker at Northgate Mall.

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